A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
