I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
