Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
