Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have fence marks all over my body
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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