He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
