youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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