So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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