I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
