I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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