I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
