We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Randomize
