For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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