How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
