Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
