She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
