Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
