its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize