i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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