Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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