One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
