I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
