I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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