oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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