I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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