I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
