Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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