Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
