you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
