I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
