I hate all girls vehemently.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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