So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
