I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My ass is underappreciated
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
