She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
