no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
