Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
