dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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