Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
