i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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