Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
