YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
