I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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