I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
