I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
