I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
