I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My balls are so social today.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's always time for handjobs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
