What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your cock deserves a montage
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
