I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
