yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
