I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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