I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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