I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He felt like a one man threesome
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
