Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
