Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you had me at cake vodka
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dude. I can hear the air.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
