I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
