They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
