Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
