Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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