There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
