connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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