I wish I could punch you in the face.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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