May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
